Pain To Positivity

I went from living in a blurred world, to living in vibrant altered world of delusion, to a monochrome world of gray. It has taken an abundance of time and effort to regain color into my world, into my life.

I was pure, innocent, and believed everything you told me. You said you loved me and I believed you, I thought you had my best interests at heart. At the time, destroying my relationship with my parents for you seemed right. Distancing myself from my friends to have time only for you was a good idea, I thought. Even telling you everything that passed through my mind wasn’t enough.

Mental abuse may not be seen as clearly as a black eye or a broken rib, but the pain is just as strong.

Everything involving you became illuminated and the rest, haze.  

I unknowingly lost myself. I became an object, just another item that you owned.

You evidently destroyed me mentally, which led me to destroy myself physically.

Almost six years later, I still cannot form meaningful relationships. The thought of you and everything that you made me experience has handicapped me. Meeting you, exposing myself, telling you everything, and giving all I had to give, just for you to break me down and tear me apart – it eliminated my ability to form attachments.

I have been afraid for six years to commit to a relationship. Yes, I have dated other people in these six years, but I could never truly become attached. If I started to feel vulnerable, I ran. Running with no legitimate excuse had become known as my specialty. I was too afraid that someone else might take all of what I have, and after everything that I had to overcome to rebuild myself, I wouldn’t allow for it to happen. 

Now, there is a reason why I’m explaining this to the SPIES Community.

I finally feel that I have the ability to let someone fully into my heart. I am opening my mind and my body to the vulnerability of someone else. I’ve gained the strength to deal with emotions properly and I’ve learned when to let things go.

It has taken so much time, effort, and strength to overcome the side affects of a mentally abusive relationship, but I am here.

Mental abuse may not be seen as clearly as a black eye or a broken rib, but the pain is just as strong.

SPIES is here to help take that pain and turn it into positivity. If we’ve experienced it, we can help you fight it. 

Enter your information in the fields provided to enroll in my free 4-day mental health advocacy email course, Turning Wisdom Into Words!

Marissa Pane

New York