Faith & Resiliency Are Your Two BFF's

 

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For almost 12 years, I woke up each morning dreading the day ahead. 

 

Most people look fondly back at their childhood and their education, but for me the number one thing that stands out is how I would physically make myself sick just because the anxiety of facing another day seemed like too much to handle.

 

Headaches, nausea, and chronic pain were the resources I needed to avoid enduring another day of school, so they appeared in vast quantities. 

 

Depression and anxiety ruled my life during this time, providing no sense of hope or easing off.

 

Tormented by thoughts of suicidal ideation and constant flashbacks to all of the minor mistakes I had spun in my head into becoming the end-all of crimes committed.

 

I hated my existence and I feared a future full of more of the same.

 

Things escalated during my junior year of high school when I began engaging in disordered eating as a way to control some part of my life.

 

Various life altering events had taken place during the same year and I was spiraling out of control, I needed something to focus on and anorexia took the lead.

 

Whether it was the lack of nutrition needed to fuel my body and properly manage my emotions or it was a side effect of entering a deeper, darker part of my mind, I’m still not entirely sure. But I do know that my anxiety was at it’s all-time worst during this period of my life.

 

Sitting as my body would shake and my mind would listen to the rapidly cycling thoughts entering in and out of my mind, became a new daily habit.

 

Overwhelm paralyzed me through fear.

 

I was no longer in control of the body I wished so hard to gain control over, earlier.

 

My state of mind was detrimental and death looked to be the only sort of release available.

 

I would day dream about dying, existing as spirit, silently watching over my family and seeing how many people from school would actually know or care that I was gone. 

 

It was the number one thing I craved to know: Who would actually miss me? If anyone..?

 

I wanted to cause an authentic hurt, the kind of pain you feel when your beloved dog passes away and you didn’t have the chance to say goodbye.

Or the kind of pain you feel when you had the chance to save someone, but instead, you slowly loosened their grip off the edge of the cliff they were hanging onto for dear life.

 

I wanted to inflict the nameless pain, later known to be major depression, that I had felt for my entire life onto all the people who I believed didn’t know the meaning of pain. 

I wanted those who had everything, to lose it all and to suffer.

 

I didn’t want to be alone anymore and if that meant taking my own life to take something away of theirs, so be it.

 

But that isn’t the sad part of this story.

What hurts more, is knowing that this is the only memory I have left from that time.

Starvation & other lasting side effects of anorexia, wiped my memories away.

All I can remember is the hurt, the pain, and the struggle.

 

....I remember shaking and starving with hunger in the cafeteria, while I watched the other girls whisper about me to their friends over a huge slice of pizza.

 

....I remember walking through the halls to class and hearing whispers about how they wish they could all be as thin as I was.

 

....I remember sitting in the library, alone, for 3 periods a day because I didn’t have my license or any friends to drive me home after class. 

 

....I remember the faces of all those who whispered, starred, and never said a word. 

 

I remember wishing that just one of those faces would talk to me, to ask if I was okay, or to sit with me during one of those long 45 minute periods, where all I could do is stare at the ‘fat’ that encompassed my body.

 

Loneliness was once my living hell - a place that seemed like a quiet, empty room, accompanied by just one, was actually where my overactive mind was the loudest.

I was never alone with my thoughts, which was both a blessing and a curse.

 

At first, my thoughts did nothing but torment, as you just read.

 

But then one day, I had a revelation. 

 

The only one suffering, was me. I was continuing to suffer even as the rest of the world would walk away happy. This unhappiness existed solely within my mind and my body.

 

It was time for a life-altering change.

 

Fast forward to present day and here I am, a life coach and business strategist for service based entrepreneurial women with anxiety.

 

What I most deeply desired seven years ago, someone to talk to, has become the foundation on which my business runs, now.

 

My work is all about true authentic connection, connecting on a soulful level - deep human interaction.

 

My past is filled with enough hurt and scars that I could have easily used it as a reason to keep hiding. But instead...

I rely on my scar tissue to help me not only survive, but to thrive. 

 

 

Enter your information in the fields provided to enroll in my free 4-day mental health advocacy email course, Turning Wisdom Into Words!

 

These wounds are my wisdom and without them, I wouldn’t be the person who I am today.

 

Through deeply intimate conversations, I hope to not only prove to you that faith and resiliency are your two best friends, but also, that you’re capable of anything you put your mind to.

 

Never, would I have ever thought I’d become an entrepreneur. A heart-centered entrepreneur helping WOMEN, at that. 

 

I always resented the girls around me - they were thinner, prettier, more put together, and above all, they always seemed happier than I was. I hated them.

 

Sometimes our biggest obstacles or the things that hurt us the most, are actually the things in life that truly help us become who we’re supposed to be.

 

I encourage you to look to your weaknesses and see what strengths you can develop from them.

 

We’re never given a challenge in life, if we’re not meant to succeed. Remember that, the next time you’re about to give up.

 

If this challenge wasn’t meant for you, it would not have ever been given to you. 

 

Any blocks or resistance presented to you is simply just a reminder and a subtle nudge from the universe pointing you in the right direction towards thriving in life.

At first, my thoughts did nothing but torment me.  But then one day, I had a revelation.   The only one suffering, was me. I was continuing to suffer through mental illness even as the rest of the world would walk away happy. This unhappiness existed solely within my mind and my body.    IT WAS TIME FOR A LIFE-ALTERING CHANGE.   Fast forward to present day and here I am, a life coach and business strategist for service based entrepreneurial women with anxiety.

Marissa Pane

New York