How Hitting Rock Bottom Can Lead You To A New, Divine Life

Do you want to abundantly love yourself and your life?

Fact check: Life is a beautiful wonderful experience and nothing in this world, and absolutely no one in this world, should make you feel differently.

If even for a moment, you’ve felt like life is less than divine.... Welcome! You've made it to the right place.

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Not many people who follow SPIES knew me personally, 5 years ago. For those of you who did, let this be a reminder. For those of you who don't... let me tell you a story.

The smile that's always on my face is a new look for me. Sure you'll see me smiling in pictures from past years, but if you look beneath the surface, if you look into my eye, you'll see the hurt and the pain I felt for so long.

I guess if I'm doing this, I should start at the beginning....

I grew up with a severely handicapped brother. I watched ambulances rush him and my parents away in the middle of the night so often that we personally knew the drivers by name.

Doctors offices and hospital rooms were my playgrounds, except for the fact that I wasn't allowed to touch anything because my brother was highly sensitive to germs. I would sit with my mom and my brother with my hands in my lap as people around us would stare at us like we were a circus act.

I'm only 2 years older than my brother and this lifestyle went on for at least a decade. My entire childhood circulated around being the weird girl with the even weirder brother. I knew more medical jargon in kindergarten than most people are familiar with in their entire life.

I went to school in the early 2000's and as you can imagine, people were ignorant to disabilities (as they are now, only amplified). Parent's didn't want their kids to come to my house for a playdate because 'what if my brother was contagious'.

Sorry to break it to you... but a rare x-chromosome abnormality isn't something you can pick up from a toilet seat, people!!

As you can imagine, this isolated childhood led me into a depressive early life. I believed that there wasn't a single soul who liked me. I was constantly on edge and terrified to do something wrong that could possibly affect my brother's health. Which simultaneously led to a crippling anxiety disorder.

For my entire life, I just wanted to be noticed. I wanted people to see me, but instead, all they saw were my abnormalities.

My limiting beliefs of being the outcast who had no friends and was totally not worth the time of day, became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It became my reality.

As I entered my teenage years...

I craved people's love and wanted attention from anyone I could get. If you can imagine, this led to some pretty horrible judgements of character and some even worse decision making.

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I entered a mentally abusive relationship which only furthered my limiting beliefs of not being good enough. Except now, I was no longer only not good enough, I was also not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, and essentially I was just not enough.

I believed these lies and my depression grew darker.

It was around this time that I also found out that I had fractures in my spine which accompanied not being able to walk without immense pain.

This meant one thing - baton twirling - the only aspect of my life that ever made me feel like I had a sense of purpose, a place of belonging, and an ounce of worth - was going to be taken away from me. I had to quit. I understood that I would risk becoming paralyzed if I didn't, so of course, I left it behind.

Around this time was also when my brother was becoming too big and too much trouble to take care of in a home setting anymore, add the fact that our home nurse just up and left us one day with no warning or reason, we needed to find a facility that could handle his needs.. and fast.

We were very fortunate to have one perfect new unit fall into our lap (thank you universe) and within the month, my brother was gone and living two hours away from us.

My entire family's life changed in an instant. "What the hell do we do now?" We all asked each other as we drove home to a house that was no longer filled with oxygen tanks, ventilators, feeding pumps, and constant beeping.

We entered a new chapter of our lives. We could finally live a 'normal' life.

HA just kidding.

The combination of having to quit baton twirling, my brother leaving, and being knee deep in a mentally abusive relationship... meant it was the perfect combination of losing total and complete control over my life.

I didn't know what the hell to do with myself and I needed to control something, so I chose to control what I ate.

Enter Anorexia. Hello, you ugly demon.

For almost three years I battled with my eating disorder. My health deteriorated, my mentality was gone, and I wanted to die. I was ready for death. I prayed every night before bed, to a god I didn't even believe in, to take me in my sleep. I wanted out.

Luckily, I had the most amazing parents in the world who wouldn't let that happen and made sure I was given the help I needed. They were relentless. Thank god! I was hospitalized during mid-terms of my senior year of high school and I'm pretty sure no one even knew I was gone.

I spent a little over two weeks in the hospital to reach a 'stable' weight. Before being thrown back into the wild, aka high school.

Something miraculous happened in that hospital, though. I was looked up to for the first time. Being that I was 17, I was placed in the adolescent unit with girls as young as 11. It broke my damn heart that girls that young were already being tortured by these mental demons.

The looked up to me and watched to see what I would do when the food arrived. If I finished a meal, they would make the extra effort to do the same. I was not only working on my own recovery in the hospital, I was also influencing the recovery of others.

I made it my mission to be strong for them, to show them that they could beat this awful disease.

It was the first time I had to believe in myself and when I did, the results were contagious.

I didn't know it then, but I found my purpose.

After being released, I focused on the next chapter of my life - getting a restraining order against the leech I couldn't escape. My mentally abusive relationship, which I attempted to break up with before hospitalization, began to stalk me. He had installed a program on my computer at some point which logged my every keystroke, had remote access to my webcam, and watched me day in and day out.

It was only after we broke up and I broke communication with him, that I noticed he still knew every aspect of my life. It didn't make any sense until we figured out that I was hacked.

Enter college life. 2012.

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I was ready to head to the big apple and begin a new chapter in my life, but I was terrified that my ex-boyfriend would find me so during my first week of college, I was on the phone with the courthouse getting a restraining order against the biggest scum of a human I've ever met in my entire life.

I was free.

I think the Mayans were onto something when they said the world would end in 2012 because the world that I lived in up until that point, no longer existed after 2012.

So let's jump to present day...

Clearly there's been some time between January 2013 and now. These are the years I've rebuilt myself. These are the years that I've embraced the practices of self-love, DBT, tapping, meditation, yoga, and so much more.

I'm a completely different person today than I was 5 years ago and I'm living a life I never thought could be mine.

I've made it my mission to help others avoid the immense amount of suffering that accompanies mental illness and I've dedicated my life to proving you can live the life of your dreams.

You control your own happiness. As soon as you take control of your own life, claim responsibility for your actions, and declare that you want to be happy, that you want to be loved, that you want to be enough... I promise you - you will be!

So please, if you resonated with any of this story. If you're feeling even the tiniest bit of desire to alter your life, join me in my course, 4 Hours To A More Fulfilling Lifestyle™.

It's an online course dedicated to teaching you radical self-love and how to fall in love with your life through simple mindset shifts.

You won't regret making this investment on yourself. If anything, you'll regret not making the investment for yourself sooner.

Much love,
Marissa

Do you want to abundantly love yourself and your life?

Fact check: Life is a beautiful wonderful experience and nothing in this world, and absolutely no one in this world, should make you feel differently.

If even for a moment, you’ve felt like life is less than divine.... Welcome! You've made it to the right place.

It's time for you to abundantly love yourself and your life! Sign up for this free training to begin.

Spam is gross. You won't get any of that from me! Powered by ConvertKit
How can rock bottom lead you to a new, divine life experience? Click here to hear my story and how I've made it my mission to help others avoid the immense amount of suffering that accompanies mental illness and why I've dedicated my life to proving you can live the life of your dreams.

Marissa Pane

New York